Taking criticism in life and work can be hard. See ways to handle feedback when you are sensitive to criticism or struggling with your mental health.
When you take a moment to explore where your sensitivity to criticism is coming from, it can help you to handle criticism with increased self-worth and confidence. It takes time to learn new coping mechanisms. However, some of these approaches may help you handle criticism in a way that benefits your personal growth and sense of wellbeing.
Steps to handle criticism:
- Don’t take it personally
- Allow yourself time to process your emotions
- If you need to, ask for time to process the criticism, or for more information and reassurance to help you understand the situation
- Consider if you have been offered toxic criticism or constructive feedback
- Consider if the criticism contains valuable insights to help you grow
“Why can’t I take criticism?”
Why can’t some people take criticism well?
Taking criticism badly (or feeling like you do) can depend on numerous variables including your current state of mind, your interpersonal dynamic with the person giving criticism, negative past experiences, and your emotional IQ.
When criticism becomes bullying or emotional abuse
Do you feel like you take criticism badly? It’s not necessarily your burden to carry. It may be that the other person doesn’t know how to offer constructive feedback in a way that benefits you and helps you learn. At its worst, that criticism may come your way as a result of bullying or other forms of emotional abuse.
The difference between criticism and constructive feedback
Criticism puts a focus on what is not wanted in your behaviour (e.g. coming in late, answering back). It can be helpful, but it outlines perceived problems, not solutions. Criticism can outline where you are not doing well and could improve, but doesn’t have to attack your self-worth. You can be a wonderful person and still come into work too late on a regular basis, which is an area to improve on.
When criticism becomes toxic, it can have the intent of attacking your character rather than your behaviour in order to make you lose your sense of self-worth.
Constructive feedback focuses on what is wanted in your behaviour. It can be much easier to understand and accept than criticism because it outlines clear steps for improvement. It is often based on facts not opinions, solutions not problems, and empathy not judgement.
Sometimes, criticism is an excellent gift to your progress if it comes in the form of thoughtful critical feedback. Critical feedback can be valid, useful, delivered with kindness, and a form of genuine insight to help you improve. Critical feedback is excellent if you can approach it with your logical brain and not take it personally.
An example of criticism vs constructive feedback:
Criticism: “You always come into work late, people are beginning to notice and you’re coming across as lazy.”
Constructive feedback: “How can we help you come into work regularly on time? Together we can find a solution that could involve sleep patterns, your route into work, or something else to help you achieve this goal.”
Taking criticism well when you are sensitive
If you are emotionally sensitive, allow yourself time to work through your emotions until you feel more safe and comfortable with considering any critical feedback in a logical way.
Sometimes people who are sensitive to criticism need time to process any emotions that rise up. For those who are particularly sensitive to criticism, any critical feedback in life or work can bring up traumatic or painful past experiences, and the shame (and defensive armour and coping mechanisms) that came with them.
Handling criticism when you are struggling with mental health
Taking criticism isn’t anyone’s favourite experience. However, when you’re in a bad place with your mental health, taking criticism can be extremely difficult and damaging. Your self-worth can take a toll when your mental health is in a dive, putting you in a fragile state. Taking criticism in your personal life, at your job, or in regard to your art can be triggering when you’re in this place. For that reason, it’s important to be aware of how hard it can be and consider how to cope.
Criticism is a part of life — and in many cases it really is intended to be constructive. In order to get better at something, it’s important to be aware of your areas that need improvement. Even in a healthy headspace, it can be hard not to get defensive when you receive criticism. It’s a learned skill that is acquired through experience and a cultivating a strong sense of self.
If you’re in a bad headspace, criticism can be really tough to handle. Dealing with depression, anxiety, stress, mental exhaustion, or any other mental illness can take a toll on your sense of self. It’s also tough to tackle due to the stigma of mental illness. You might feel like you don’t trust yourself, like you don’t have worth, or that you’re not enough. Receiving criticism when you’re already criticising yourself feels like validation that you are, in fact, a failure.
Of course, this is not true. This is the lie that poor mental health can make us believe. Criticism in that headspace can stoke that fire, but the coping mechanisms below may help you put the fire out.
In some cases, there are mental health conditions that are especially predisposed to criticism sensitivity.
Personality types and mental health conditions related to being sensitive to criticism
Managing mental health is an activity that encompasses your feelings, emotions, and psychological wellbeing. Being sensitive to criticism is quite normative, because no-one finds it easy.
However, sensitivity to criticism can also be associated with neurodiversity. Some conditions like ADHD are associated with high levels of perceiving and receiving criticism.
Some people have diagnosed mental health disorders which can be hard to maintain. For example, people with avoidant personality disorder may avoid situations with a risk of criticism or rejection. Others have a relationship with their mental health that has its ups and downs but may not have a mental health diagnosis. Either way, your mental health can be a challenge when it’s in a negative place.
Creating a Distance Between Your Self-Worth and Criticism
When you’re taking criticism from family, friends, employers, or strangers, it’s vital to create an emotional distance between the criticism you’re receiving and your self-worth.
It’s important to ask yourself if this criticism is supposed to be constructive, if you can learn from it, or if the criticism is toxic.
Decide if it’s appropriate to communicate your mental health struggles with the person who is giving you criticism or if you feel comfortable doing so. It’s not always appropriate or comfortable in all situations, but if it is, it can be really helpful to tell the person you’re in a sensitive headspace.
In situations where criticism is a normal aspect of your life, such as a review at work, it’s helpful to focus on creating distance.
Example of what to say when you can’t take criticism well from a boss or manager
You can feel sensitive to criticism for all sorts of reasons that are nothing to do with your work performance. If your manager or boss gives you criticism, it may be a form of bullying – but it’s more likely they want to see you be your best and are giving you critical feedback to help you achieve that. Your goal is to not take it personally, and process it in your own time to see if it’s valuable insight you could learn and benefit from.
If you know you will struggle to handle the criticism in the moment, you can say something along these lines:
“Thank you for the feedback and taking the time to help. If it’s okay I need a little time to process it and make sure I understand what is being expected. I don’t want to let it affect my confidence but I do want to learn.”
Talk to yourself the way you’d talk to a dear friend.
If a friend told you that some critical feedback on a project they did at work meant they were stupid or worthless, you’d tell them they were brilliant and that this feedback didn’t define them. Apply that positive talk to your self-talk as well.
Knowing When It’s Time to Take a Step Back
Sometimes being sensitive to criticism can come from having a high emotional IQ. This means you’re empathetic and aware of your impact on others. However, if the criticism is becoming too much and it’s affecting your mental health and sense of self-worth, it’s important to understand when to take a step back.
Unplug and recharge so that you can be in a better place. Be kind to yourself. You are allowed to have a break from putting yourself out there if your mental health is in a rocky place.
This might mean taking a short break from writing, taking a step back from a work opportunity, or dropping an activity in order to focus on your mental health. Even something like a social weekday trivia night can lead to feelings of inadequacy. If this applies to you, remember that it’s okay to take some things off your plate in order to focus on your sense of self.
Some Coping Mechanisms When You Start to Spiral
If you’re in a situation where you’re feeling inadequate, it’s important to try to stop those feelings before they get out of control. It’s easy to spiral into feelings of failure and worthlessness if you let yourself go there.
Instead, practice some coping mechanisms that can help stop these feelings, cope with them, or bring you back to reality.
- Embrace distraction: A distraction doesn’t have to be a big task. It can be cleaning, reading, spending time with your pet, or just watching a movie. If you are able to, spend time exercising outside to help with burnout. This can mean hiking or just going for a walk. If you are spiralling into feelings of failure, distract yourself with a task that feels good.
- Schedule downtime: Take a step back and let yourself breathe. Cancel plans, take a bath, take a trip, read a book, or relax in pyjamas. Take time to cry if you need it, then remind yourself that criticism is hard, but it doesn’t define your self-worth.
- Write down the positives: When you’re feeling bad about yourself, it’s hard to think in positives — let alone write something down. However, even a simple gratitude journal where you write something you are grateful each day may help you to cope and keep you healthy.
- Talk to a loved one: Call a parent, partner, friend, or other family member and tell them how you feel. Ask for help. Ask for positivity. Text a friend and schedule time together. Be with people who love you can help you feel better about yourself.
- Finding help: Finally, don’t let yourself go too long without help if you’re struggling with self-worth. Find resources near you, talk to your therapist if you already have one, or contact a helpline that can help you find resources and receive help.
It’s hard to hear when your efforts are not up to par. This can be in regard to doing the laundry, completing a project at work, or being present with people in your life. Criticism in any of these areas may be helpful, but that doesn’t make it any easier to hear — especially in the midst of mental health struggles.
Understand the connection between your mental health struggles and why you may be feeling a sensitive connection to your self-worth at this time. Try to create a distance between who you are and what you do in order to make taking criticism easier. Know that it’s okay to take a step back and that there are ways to cope when you start to spiral into feelings of self-loathing. Be kind to yourself and understand that the criticism you hear isn’t validation that you’re not good enough. You are.
This article by C Ranard was first published in Mookychick and reprinted with permission.
