Do you struggle with small talk? It can be harder to approach with anxiety, so here are some tips to help you out.
Small talk refers to polite conversation between people who don’t necessarily know each other well about things that aren’t too important (or just aren’t too deep or personal). You may also have heard it referred to as ‘water cooler talk’, or seen that very reference in films. It can happen with friends, in the workplace, in job interviews and even with strangers in public, but it can stir up anxiety in many situations.
Not all people are the same and for some, small talk can be more difficult to approach or try out. It can be hard to meet new people or chat socially, and not knowing what to do, or feeling self-conscious about what you say, can heighten any feelings of concern.
Anxious vs Anxiety
Anxiety can be taken to mean two slightly different (but similar) things. Anxiety is an emotion and a feeling of unease or worry that can be felt at different levels and everyone will have those feelings at some point in their life.
For some people anxiety is felt very severely rather than mildly, and much more often. This is usually due to the mental health condition of anxiety, which can be linked to other disorders too.
However, both are completely valid and can make you feel unsafe.
There are some ways to approach small talk and polite conversation if it’s something you want to explore and work towards feeling more comfortable with. Let’s take a look!
Adjust your attitude
In other words, try to see if you can reframe any negative thoughts into positive ones. Letting anxious thoughts swirl around your head will make you believe them, even if they aren’t true. Restructure those thoughts into confident and truthful statements e.g. ‘I’m good at chatting to people I’m comfortable with so I know I have the potential. I just need to practise’.
Be aware of your safety behaviours
Be aware of the safety behaviours you lean on (sometimes known as crutches). They can make us feel comfortable and help us cope (if only for a short time) but inevitably what they do is help us avoid the situation and feelings. This means we don’t actually face our fears and nothing changes or gets easier.
You don’t have to remove them completely because it can be too much, and any coping mechanisms or safety behaviours you might have can help with feelings of anxiety. You know yourself best! However, you can explore using them less often or in smaller ways instead. For example, you might normally avoid casual social situations completely, or avoid them in small ways such as using few words, not making eye contact, or thinking about yourself and how you are presenting to others. If so, see if you can make small goals with yourself to break them down e.g. aim to make eye contact more often or make a target of sharing one of your opinions on a topic when you engage in small talk.
Test your thoughts
If you’re having any negative thoughts about how people are perceiving you, it’s most likely not true. An example of safety behaviours from above could be thinking about yourself in social situations. This is when you focus all your attention internally and believe that the self-conscious thoughts you have about yourself must be true and that others believe it too, when really they don’t.
This can lead to increasing use of our safety behaviours, as they make us feel better or more in control. It can be nerve wracking to let go of these behaviours that make us feel safe, but without them you can’t tell whether your thoughts are distorting what is really happening.
See if you can shift your focus to what is happening around you and the words that people are speaking. Test out whether your thoughts are really true. For example, if you feel like people are watching you and judge what you say, pay attention to them and see if that really does happen. You’ll feel less inclined to believe those self-negating thoughts when you have real life evidence against them.
Mindfulness and CBT techniques can help with this – they’re all about taking your awareness elsewhere.
Keep some safe topics to hand
Sometimes people find it helps to script out what they can say in social situations. While it can genuinely help some, it’s not suitable for others. If you have tried this already and it only makes small talk more difficult, it’s best to keep some safe topics on hand that you can rely on when you need them.
Some topics include:
- Family – does someone have a child doing exams, or a show coming up? See how it’s going.
- Sport – Know someone who likes football or supports the local team? Ask a question about it. Keep in mind that people can have very strong opinions about particular teams (especially their own) so try to keep things light and positive.
- Holiday plans – See what others have planned for vacation, bank holidays or even the weekend.
- Hobbies – everybody has interests and hobbies and they’ll be happy to talk about something they love.
- ‘Pop culture’ – new music, films being shown at the cinema, celebrity award shows, or the latest TV shows, etc are good options.
Not sure how to start talking to someone?
Start with ‘Hello, how’s it going?’. It’s as simple as that. Most people are friendly and they’ll be happy to engage in small talk. Conversations are about two way communication, so you won’t need to worry about handling it on your own – you’ll have a little help.
Take your time
If you are nervous about making small talk, or if you have social anxiety, take your time! You don’t need to rush or jump in at the deep end if it doesn’t feel like something you can do. You don’t need to join a big group and lead the conversation. Just do what you can, and what makes you comfortable. You can aim to take small and consistent steps forward to build your confidence over time. Progress at your own speed, rather than expecting it to appear instantly.
You may always feel nervous about small talk, just like many of us do with giving a presentation or going to a big social event. Everyone is different – but something that is the same for everyone is that you don’t need to perfect small talk immediately (or at all). It gets easier with time and practice, and you’ll get more and more confident about abilities.
After small talk
No matter how it went, congratulate yourself for doing something outside of your comfort zone. Try to focus on the things you did well and if any negative thoughts grow, remind yourself that it will help you learn for the next time.
Know when you need support
Anxiety is different for everyone and some people have a higher amount of stress from it than others. If you feel like it is overwhelming, and that maybe these tips seem impossible to even imagine doing, consider contacting your GP or mental health services who can help you cope with how you are feeling day to day.
