It’s possible to stand up for yourself without it feeling like a fight, and without making other people feel small. Here’s how.
In any given day, most of us will encounter situations that require us to stand up for ourselves in big and small ways. This can manifest in numerous different ways, from relatively insignificant (if annoying) things like someone cutting in front of you in the supermarket queue, to big things like someone at work giving you a task you feel is unreasonable.
However, most of us aren’t very good at standing up for ourselves. If you’re ever hesitant to speak up because you fear being seen as rude, this article is for you. Let’s have a look at a few different ways to stand up for yourself without putting others down or causing unnecessary rifts.
Use “I” statements
“I” statements are a great way to say difficult things without provoking or escalating conflict. That’s because they’re focused on you – your feelings, needs, and boundaries – and so do not come across as accusatory or aggressive.
Here’s an example. Let’s imagine your colleague keeps asking you to swap shifts with them and you’re getting fed up with it. An “I” statement might sound something like this: “I’m happy to occasionally help out in an emergency, but I can’t usually change shifts once the rota is finalised because I’ve made plans around the schedule. I hope you find someone to swap with!” Say this in a pleasant and collaborative tone, and your colleague will hear it as it was intended. You’re not telling them off or acting annoyed, you’re just stating your own limitations.
Watch your body language
Body language is responsible for a huge amount of what we communicate to others. Some experts even say it conveys more than our actual words. So if you find yourself in a situation where you need to stand up for yourself, pay attention to what your body language is saying.
For example, if you are slouching or looking at the ground, this can signal that you are unconfident and perhaps even afraid. This undermines your whole message. Conversely, crossing your arms or taking an aggressive stance can put the other person on the defensive even if you didn’t intend to.
Take others’ feelings into account
It can be tempting to approach standing up for yourself as an adversarial task. But it doesn’t have to be! In fact, you’re more likely to get the result you want if you approach it collaboratively and take others’ feelings into consideration when you do so.
The goal of standing up for yourself should not be to convince the other person that you are right or browbeat them into accepting your point of view. You might not agree at the end of the conversation. That’s okay. Standing up for yourself is still a valuable goal in and of itself.
So don’t accuse the other person. Always assume good faith and good intentions until you have reason to do otherwise. Never call them names or raise your voice. And don’t approach them as an enemy. Remember that the goal is to give them a better understanding of your perspective and needs, rather than to convince them that you’re correct.
Think before you speak
Most of us were taught this as children, but it’s good advice that also carries over into adulthood. If you try to stand up for yourself without thinking about what you want to say, you’re likely to end up inflaming the situation or upsetting someone else.
Instead, pause and think about what you want to say. It’s okay to take a breath before responding to a request, sit on an email for a few hours before you reply, or revisit a conversation later or the next day. And if you do, you’ll be able to express your point of view much more clearly.
Keep it brief
It can be tempting, when you stand up for yourself, to over-explain why you’re doing so. But this can actually weaken your position. As long as you do it kindly and politely, standing up for yourself – whether you’re setting a boundary, saying no to a request, or claiming credit for an idea – requires no lengthy explanations.
For example, let’s imagine someone at work has asked you to complete a task in an unreasonably short amount of time. All you need to say is something like, “my current workload won’t allow me to get this done for Wednesday. Will Friday work? Failing that, what would you like me to put on the backburner so I can prioritise this?”
Don’t apologise for speaking up
Many of us apologise numerous times a day when we don’t need to. When you politely stand up for yourself is one such time.
Here’s an example. As a freelancer, I occasionally have to push back gently against clients trying to set unreasonable deadlines or give me work at the last minute. When I was brand new, I’d swallow my annoyance and do the work. Then I moved on to sometimes saying no, but being very apologetic for it. Now I say no – politely and professionally – but don’t apologise for it. Because I’m not doing anything wrong by maintaining my boundaries and my work/life balance.
Here’s a challenge: stand up for yourself, set a boundary, or say no to a request without an apology. It’ll be really hard at first, but you’ll feel much more empowered when you get used to it. This is particularly important for women, who are socialised to apologise far more than we need to.
Now try this: practice
Standing up for yourself is really hard, and the only way it will get easier is with practice. If you’re struggling to be appropriately assertive, why not grab a friend or colleague and have a few practice runs? Roleplay a few scenarios where you might need to stand up for yourself.
This will let you try out different ways of phrasing things, and ensure that you know how to defend your boundaries without putting other people down. It’s not quite the same as a real situation, of course, but even knowing how the words feel to say will give you a headstart.
Good luck, and remember: you deserve to speak up for yourself and you don’t need to feel bad about doing so!
